An Effort in Patience and Gentleness (aka, don't scream and cuss)

I am finding myself trying to use what I learn in Shambhala more towards my family because of conflicts than with the rest of the world

My relations with my relatives is not on very solid standing is the best way to describe it. One of the reasons came to a head Tuesday in result from something that didn't happen Monday. Monday morning my cousin called me, her son was building a web page for one of his clients who does appliance repairs. The reason she called with this info is because I haven't been able to cook for over a year. I'm living in my grandmother's house, going to college and keeping an eye on the property since they family hasn't sold it and some needs to live here to watch it. Its over 60 years old, and from what I can tell the stove and oven unit is as old. Last year one of the burners wouldn't turn off, and since the unit is completely electric, I had to unplug. Long story short over the past year as a student I didn't have money to consider getting it fix, or if I did I didn't have time to have someone come look at it. I work everyday during the week and go to classes as well for my degree. My family has finally offered to help me pay for the repairs.

This week is spring break, I'm both off from school and work because I work for an independent school district, so my cousin called me and asked if I would be home from 1 to 5pm. I said yes, only that he call me so I have a heads up to get my dog in the back of the house. I stayed home all day and he neither called nor showed. I didn't call my cousin because the connection was through her son and waited for her to call me on the details. When did call Tuesday around noon I was in a meeting, taking care of things I only had time to do during spring break, and couldn't answer my phone. When I tried to call her back she wouldn't answer. She eventually called me back 6pm scolding me of the phone, saying I didn't answer the man's phone call and refused to believe me that he didn't call at all. She started to belittle me and call my words 'excuses'. I cut her off and told her I wouldn't be spoken to in that way and hung up, I wasn't going to argue a lost cause.

My family has constantly treated me as if all I do is lie, steal, and hinted they suspect me of doing drugs. Where they get these notions I have no clue. I have never been around 'crowd' to suggest it, I've never been in trouble with the law at all. Ever. I hardly have any social life, and by social I mean just meeting friends on campus between classes much less off of it. It is beyond bizarre and literally freaks the few number of friends who have met my family and seen how they treat me past the screen of social facade.

So this cousin is a retired teacher, I want to teach. She constantly compares my college struggle with hers, without taking the fact that its been over 50 years when she got her degree and I am trying to get mine. Things are a lot differences between now and then, and when I point them out she calls it an excuse and I'm not working hard enough. I don't have any immediate family to support me, everyone is dead. I don't qualify for most financial aid and scholarships. So whenever I have problems because I have obligations and responsibilities like work that conflict with my studies she calls them excuses. She says without saying the words directly that I am lying to her, I had time to do this so I obviously had time to do what she thinks I'm suppose to and was simply too lazy to do it. Everything that doesn't happen right is my fault and all I do it make excuses, according to her. Example; I either go training that happens when I have class, thereby missing class, or go to class and miss the training and thereby loose my job. She calls it an excuse that I miss class, even though if I had gone to class I would have lost my job.

So Tuesday was another lost cause trying to talk to her, because she refused to listen. I called the nun in our family, and since my family is primary catholic going to the nun for advice is the only way not to seeking help and be accused of causing trouble. After listening to me, how hurt I was, and sorry I had to hang up but felt there was no point because this has been going on for year, she told me to email my cousin the facts and how I feel with her treating me the way she does. I did, and I got a response that only upsets me more. She didn't apologize directly, only indirectly on her 'words', but also didn't apologize for not listening to my side of the story. My email had over 100 words in it. I get a reply of 15 words.

Its a battle for me not to respond with a heated reply for her very short and in many ways rude reply. The nun wants me to talk to her over the phone on the email, right now I'm trying to tamper down the hurt. Until I have a handle on these raging emotions I know it would not be a very wise idea to take another approach.