Stress, pressue, and relatives...

I wish I had happy things to write about, but sadly not so. The last few weeks have been a burrow of sad news. My literature teacher's father passed away. A friend in the sanga was in the hospital for almost a week because of his appendix and then his mother passed away the day after he got out of the hospital. School finals are in two weeks and I don't know how I'm going to get 4 papers done by next Friday and ready for my exams the following week. I have a test I haven't studied for tomorrow. I need to find a summer job soon. My car door that had to be replaced two years ago from an accident is acting up and won't lock or unlock without a lot of hassle, I had to actually crawl out of my car once already so it would stay locked when I left it. I am having problems with my relatives again. Oi.... I can't even relax while trying to sit and meditate.

The year of the rabbit is really not being a good year for me at all. :(

Sanga Gathering- The Sakyong's Letter

I am a bit under the weather, my sinuses being congestion and irritated the last few days I'm worried it might develop into an actually illness if it continues. But even though I feel ill I was determined to get to the center today. Today we had a special gathering because the Sakyong had sent out a letter to all the centers for everyone to read. It was a very long letter. It was an inspiring letter in a sense, though I am unable to fully express it because I sick I still want to write about the experience today before classes, studies, and work pull my attention away. He was speaking of the path of Shambhala is not just individual but one of community and that of a global sense. The world is in turmoil, so very true, and he feels the Shambhala teachings can help end conflicts. And I have to agree with him, if only world leaders could follow the teachings. They do not require any certain religious faith and there for can be applied to any one person. Its hard to wrap my head around everything today, I gained insight to more than I expected.

What really touched me was as much as he was seeking every person in the Sanga to help strengthen and spread the growth of Shambhala he was not making it as a mandate. He did not say, I want this, you to do that, it is required of you. He did not bring that into the message, he made it into three questions in the end for each and every person in the Sanga to think about with their path and how Shambhala fits into it.

Shambhala is not just helping oneself, but helping others, and making an enlightened society. This does not mean a perfect society dedicated to one faith, not at all, and that was part of his messaged too. I found it very touching to me, because even though I find myself now drawn toward maybe becoming a Buddhist I do not see the world as 'only buddhist', I have never seen the world that way. Even when my family tried to make me think, 'all must be Christian' and other beliefs such as that I would ways say, why? Why can you not accept someone who is kind and different from you as they are and live peacefully with that? That is one of the biggest revelations to me that I have 'felt' but did not 'realized' I identified with Shambhala. It is does not matter if you are Buddhist, Shambhala as it is can stand alone in some one's life without direct attachment to any one religion. Yes, the teachings come from Buddha originally but that is what they are. Teachings, not leaps of faith and requirements.

Another things I found today I was not expecting is that as a community there are shifting tides. I had to contemplate how to write this discovery, as it is asked that you do not speak of other peoples' words that they speak so privately about in our discussion groups of the letter. But this discovery actually brought clarity to a part of the Sakyong's letter that I didn't understand. Apparently when Chogyam Trungpa passed away there were people who did not what to make of the Sakyong, there are some who don't see him as 'their teacher' I was a bit stunned by this. I truly was stunned by this and as I heard this, as echoed around me. I was confused, almost horrified, how can you say that? How can you sit here, say you follow the teachings that were handed down not by scripture but by oral teachings to an heir? I said nothing, I sat and listened and when we had departed I thought over the letter and as of switch had been flipped a part of the letter made sense, the Sakyong said the Sanga has been mourning and maturing and he felt now was the time for things to progress in a way. There was more to the letter, but I found it amazing he knew there were people in the Sanga that quietly felt this way and left it alone and focused on strengthening the Sanga in a different way, helping it mature but not change at all. I can't really go into any more detail in that sense for the privacy of others, but it was amazing to me.

It was also asked that you write a response to the letter and answers to the three questions left for each member of the Sanga. I am still feeling out my answers as how to word them but in general I know what I want to write. I'll write the three questions and an overview once I feel I have the right words and have sent the message to the Sakyong, as I feel the need to share in my journey withing the Shambhala Sanga but at the same time keep the exact words to the Sakyong for the time to be private.

Shambhala Training Level I

I should probably be studying, but I feel the need to write about Level 1 while its still fresh. Plus, the tweet by the Dalai Lama on twitter is the essences of what is taught in Level 1 it felt right to quickly type it up.

"Genuine love should first be directed at oneself – if we do not love ourselves, how can we love others?"

-Dalai Lama

This past weekend I attended Shambhala Training Level I : The Art of Being Human. I had been torn about attending, did I really want to be part of the Sanga? Did I really want to try more meditation? There were many 'questioning' emotions that I couldn't put into words. Was it fear? In a sense, it was, but it was also a questions if this is something for me or not. One hurtle was the asked price to pay for the training, I could only afford a fifth of it because the week before was the first week of classes, buying supplies, books, and my paycheck was less than half of the normal amount due to pay cut and in reflecting the holiday break in December. But again, the gracious warm and openness of the Sanga. Pay what I could, and make up later for donations. Most people would balk at the amount asked for 'just sitting' as they would think, but there is so many people involved, supporting the center, and paying for food because both breakfast and lunch were provided it wasn't expensive at all once you broke it down. Its just I'm a poor college student... alas.

As luck would have my friend Audra was also interested in meditation and attended with me. Her money situation was even worse than mine but they were open and accepting of her situation as well. Saturday morning was started at 8:30am with breakfast of fruit, bread, and oatmeal with a selection of brown sugar, raisins, and milk to add. It was all very yummy. Though, I will admit Audra and I picked up breakfast tacos on the way just so we didn't look like pigs. We need not have worried, I should have taken note from Jetsun's birth Celebration and the Winter Solstice Party that the Sanga loves food.

After an hour the bell was run to make our way to the shrine room. There was a long pleasant talk by Doria, who was our director for the training, about being gentle with ourselves as we practiced, being gentle with others, and what basic goodness is. We has meditation instruction by Besty and then we rotated sitting and walking meditation, stopping for short breaks and interviews. Lunch was offered with Mediterranean salad and break. Very yummy, though I have to admit I picked out the olives and mushrooms and sheepishly returned my plate while every one's else was picked clean.

After lunch we had another talk, then more sitting and walking meditation. We broke for half an hour for tea and then more sitting and walking meditation. As you can see, lots of sitting and walking meditation. One thing that I noticed though that a lot of people who were repeating Level 1 for the experience kept talking about how 'torturious' their first Level 1 was and I couldn't help but have a giant question mark above my head. I wasn't finding it a torture, a challenge yes, but torture? I wonder if the few times I came to sit during public sits helped.


That night Audra and I went to dinner with a few of the teachers and people who were also attending the training at a coffee house called CandleLight. It was nice, very nice and Audra and I immediately felt sweat drops at the back of our heads because of our tiny bank accounts. I paid for Audra and thankfully we were able to find something to eat and keep our combined check under $20, oh the woes of being a college student.

The next day was breakfast of quish, fruid, and bread. I had never had keish, so while I didn't find it bad to my taste buds I don't have anything to compare it to either. More sitting and walking meditation at a longer duration before a break of a disscussion group talking about what we feel we learned and our experiences. Then after another short meditation session Doria came in to talk once more and we were given Shambhala: Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa and lunch was offered before we left.

I enjoyed the experience, though I don't think I accomplished following my breath as instructed during most of the meditations I feel like for a few times I did. I think I will take Level II, though not for several months as I feel the need to take things a little slow. Although I doubt most would see that, since I'm already trying to think how to save up $1,000 to travel to Colorado for the Sanga Retreat with the Sakyong in June. 

Jetsun Drukmo

On Sunday August 15th, 2010 was the first time I went to the Shambhala center to sit for meditation after attending an open house. As it turns out, my first sit was also a day of Celebration as Jetsun Drukmo, literally a princess in her own right, was born just a few days earlier on August 11th to the Sakyong and Sakyong Wangmo. I was a little unsure but everyone was radiating warm, excitement, and joy it was hard not to feel it too. A photo of Jetsun with her beaming parents, especially the grinning Sakyong, was at the center of the shrine with a crystal bowl below it to accept offerings of flowers.

Chants, lots of chants, were read and I gave up after the first one trying to keep up. I've never been good at reading and speaking with rhythm or smooth transition from line to line unless I've had a chance to read something over a dozen times so I sat in the moment to take everything in. The room was full, with a drummer hitting the beats to which most people kept up. Everyone had been given a daisy flower to give as offering and one by one we all went up, bowed to the Sakyong, Sakyong Wangmo, and Jetsun. Even though I had no idea what was going on in general and I followed the lead of everyone else the feeling of awkwardness was very small. The room was just so full of calm happiness that even with the practice decorum there wasn't a tense moment at all.

Afterwards there was food, lots of food. Lots of talking, laughter, and joy. I felt a little bit like an outsider in the sense this wasn't my world, I had just stepped into it theirs, but everyone was so happy I didn't feel like they were treating me an outsider because they weren't. It was my mind that made me feel like the outsider and the feeling of not knowing anything and ignorance shadowing questions.

I couldn't help but reflect the irony of everything, first Kyudo, and now Jetsun's birth just before I came to sit. I tried not to look too deeply then at it, since my mind was mainly a kyudo and not so much in joining the Sanga. That didn't last too long though, as it shows.

How I found Shambhala

It all starts in Tokyo, Japan in the summer of July 2009. During my stay in Tokyo a regional Kyudo competition was being held and some of the students from the schools attending were staying my hotel. With help of my group's tour guide I was able to find out where and when it would take place and it happened to be on our free day. So that morning I took the trains and witnessed the ceremonial opening and the blessing of the Shinto priest. After we returned to the US a few days after that event life returned to normal, well as normal as a student's life can be, but Kyudo wasn't far from my mind. In June of 2010 I finally googled to see if there was any Kyudo in the United States, much less within my state or my area. And this was how I found Shambhala. Kyudo is part of Shambhala through Shibata Sensei and Zenko. Shibata Sensei became friends with Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche who brought the Shambhala teachings to the west.

In July I attended an open house at the San Antonio Shambhala Meditation Center seeking information on their Kyudo group. I apparently came at just the right time, a group had only been established in San Antonio for three months at that time and if I had looked following my return from my trip to Japan in 2009 the closest group would have been in Austin, almost a 2 hour drive north that meets twice a week. The Kyudo group was waiting for their practice yumis (bows), yas (arrows), and kake (gloves) to come in from Japan, to Boulder to be inspected by Shibata Sensei, and then shipped to the Center. Each item is individually crafted by a master craftsmen of each item and thus it would be several months before they would arrive. Until then I decided to try sitting and walking meditation at the center and that is how it all began.

Since then I have grown to know the people of the center and while sometimes there are personality clashes everyone is kind, gentle, and open. I was drawn by the warmth of my meditation instructor and the people of the Sanga and decided to attend more things than just kyudo once kyudo practice begun in October.